I am trying something new today; just writing my thoughts down without an agenda other than to share what is on my heart today. It is strange to write a stream of consciousness and not really have a plan in place. I guess getting all my thoughts out and down on paper is healthy, so I will jump right in. I have been struggling lately with this heavy feeling that I have failed (miserably) as a mother. I don’t have a great relationship with my own mother, and I desperately want my children to feel loved and wanted. I often reflect on the many mistakes that I made over the years. I tried to give them a stable home and lived with my mother after my father committed suicide. I didn’t take them to church as often as I should have, and I did not live a very Christian life during those years. Now that I have become Catholic and understand what life could have been had I chosen this path earlier, I have deep regrets. Nothing that I did really mattered, except that I tried to make my children feel loved.
I am reading this new book that I got off of Amazon (arrived yesterday, so I am not very far into it yet) called “Pocket Guide to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.” This little book is already having a profound effect on me. I need to confess my sins but have never really understood how to do this well (I have only been a Catholic since 2020). I understand that I can confess things like not being kind to the people I live with, being angry and judgmental, and being a bad mother to my children. My goal now is to confess these sins, and many others and to begin again. To try to be a better mother going forward. I can’t change the past but I can change the now, and how I am in the future. To be a better version of myself for those I love and create happy memories for myself and others.
Being an example to others of how a Christian should be is a form of witness. I have always believed that people watch you, and even if you never speak a word, you are telling someone a story through your actions, a smile or a simple, quiet act of kindness. I have learned kindness through others, even as an adult. It’s funny how (in my own mind) adults should have it all together and never really learn things from younger people. This is simply not true. Older people sometimes re-learn things from younger people, like joy, laughter, forgiveness, and kindness. In some cases, it’s not just re-learning, but simply just learning for the first time.
Pride is the wall that keeps me from being the best version of myself. I don’t like looking into the mirror and seeing the “real” me. I would rather pretend I am perfectly okay, and that all problems exist outside of my own actions. Intellectually and spiritually, I know this is a lie and I don’t want to live a lie. Consequently, I am standing in front of the mirror and taking a long, hard look at myself. It’s not pretty. I have a lot of sins to confess. I have a lot of work to do. The big problem, though, is at my advancing age, I don’t really “know” myself. I have to rely on others to help me with this. I have blind spots, things I do not realize about myself that are true. For example, I have a wonderful friend who, at times, cuts me like a knife. It hurts when he tells me things, but he says them in love, and I know where he comes from. It still hurts, but it makes me think (when I don’t overreact and strike out at him in the moment, which I sometimes do. He is kind and has always forgiven me. I am working to respond differently going forward). Most recently, I was called out for being impulsive and doing things without thinking (truth!). My actions sometimes make life more difficult for others. He is not the first person to tell me this, but he is the first person to take the time to explain how painful my actions can be for others.
I have a lot of other flaws. I snore, I drink too much, and sometimes I am too sensitive to how others respond to me (or rather, don’t respond to me! I have a neighbor who doesn’t like me, and I really struggle with this issue. Don’t we all want to be liked?). This Christmas season I only put out the Nativity. Baby Jesus is in the manger and my wonderful friend put a little light on the roof to radiate down on Jesus. It is beautiful and I love it. Bishop Barron has a homily every Sunday on YouTube, and this last Sunday he spoke about the manger in Bethlehem. It is such a humble little place for a King: dark, cold, dirty, much like my heart. The analogy is striking. Jesus was born into our sinful world in a cave. His presence transformed it. I am certain kings from distant lands have never visited such a place before, but there Jesus was, and there the kings went. Jesus came into my heart, and his very presence is transforming me just like he transformed that cave.
Take a moment this Christmas season to enjoy the simplicity of the moment. No matter your faith or religion, I encourage you to walk through the door of a nearby church and absorb the presence of Christ. Understand that churches are simply a hospital for the soul; a place for healing, redemption and forgiveness. Talk to Jesus, share your thoughts, and then wait. Listen. See what happens.
Blessings,
Heather
Calm Journey 